Of Le Voyage Sentimental

The wine glass in my hand is cool to the touch. I examine the bubbles that steadily float to the surface, disappearing only to have a myriad of others take their place. I tip the glass. The wine touches my lips, sweet, a hint of fruit, and the bubbles flutter, a tickling sensation. An inexplicable giggle escapes me. I cannot pinpoint where exactly this pure delight came from. Perhaps it is the wine.

Or perhaps, it is something more broad. A combination of the place, of its sounds and sights. The taste of the wine on my tongue and the salad on my plate. In this place, this time, 8PM in Tours, France, surrounded by a stream of passing dialogue which I cannot understand, I feel something which had eluded me, which I had been trying to find as I rode on long train rides to far off destinations. Freedom. But most of all: invisibility.

Here, in this place, on my own, I am no one. I have no name, no identity. I do not need to speak with anyone nor is there anyone I desire to speak to. I do not need to follow anyone, to make any decisions for anyone. I only need myself and for once, I am comforted by that.

Here, I am just being.

I cannot say what compelled me to make this independent journey, bereft of the companionship of my friends. Perhaps it was because there was no one willing to come with me. Perhaps I did not look hard enough. Or perhaps, in reality, I wanted to do this one trip alone, to prove to myself that I was truly grown up, ready to make my own decisions, lead my own fate.

And this final trip is but a metaphor for my desired state of being.

They say as you grow older, more independent, you become more comfortable with yourself. And I cannot pinpoint the exact moments where I have turned into a different person, a more confident person. There are times where I feel insecure and insignificant. But not now, not at this moment in time. At this restaurant. At this time of night. Instead, I feel at ease, strangely happy to just be me. As the American poet William Carlos Williams once wrote, "I am lonely, lonely./I was born to be lonely,/I am best so!"

Indeed, sometimes, it's the best way to be.